I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
