im six kinds of drunk right now
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
