you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
