Where did you get a picture of my penis
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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