I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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