i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
