you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
