Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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