Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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