shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
high people should be assigned attendants
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
