I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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