If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
