Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
