he puts the penis in happiness.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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