It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
