i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
