apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
