I must be too annoying 4 u.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
