when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
