you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
