i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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