LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
