I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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