Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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