i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
