Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize