If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize