Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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