I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
