thus making me awesome and them whores
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
this hospital has no fireball
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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