Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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