No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize