I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
