I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize