I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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