my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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