watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
