hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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