Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize