Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
