Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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