Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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