He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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