so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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