I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
