Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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