he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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