Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
