Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
