so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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