my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
