Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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