so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
True strength comes from lack of pants
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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