I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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