I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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