Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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