He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
