I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
