I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize