Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's shark week go big or go home
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
