when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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