I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
