I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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